Weekly Marriage Meeting

Among my resolutions this year is ONE goal that I am REALLY excited about and which has been on my heart for a while. I am dedicated to giving some MAJOR thought and time to my marriage in 2020. I have a few mini-goals to help me along the way, including more frequent date nights, quick trips (with and without the kids), being more intentional with my time at home, and holding a weekly marriage meeting…and that is the one that I think is going to be the real game-changer.

Why have a weekly marriage meeting??

Before having kids, I was a teacher and a coach and I gave EVERY-thing to my students. Then I had kids, and as a mom, my first priority is ALWAYS my children. I truly live and breathe for my kids. And my poor Todd has often only had 2 options…be mothered by me or be ignored by me. Trust me I know…that is completely sad. But sometimes I think I can get so caught up in keeping the tiny humans alive that I forget how important it is to model respectful adult interaction. I finally realized that I wanted Emersyn to someday have a husband who put her first in his life. And I want Ethan to grow up into a wonderful man and husband. BUT how in the world will they learn how if we do not teach them??

Marriage is hard…there I said it. There are so many other things trying to grab our attention. GOOD things…important things even. But nothing should be more important than having a strong marriage RIGHT?! That is why we have implemented a weekly marriage meeting into our busy schedules. It doesn’t take up much time, but the outcomes are BIG!!

How to have a successful marriage meeting??

• Get your partner on board. A marriage meeting is a team effort. Without 2 people working towards 1 goal, this will not work.
• Determine a consistent time each week that you can have uninterrupted time together. Our plan is to meet on Sunday evenings because we are both home and our kids do not have any activities on Sundays. With smaller kids, it might be necessary to meet after bedtime or in the early mornings. But make sure you have a plan and follow through.
• Turn off the t.v., put down your phones, pull out your calendars and be intentional with the time. Honestly, doing more of just THIS is half the battle for me.
• Make your marriage meeting a safe and open time. Be willing to share, be honest, ask for help, and give encouragement. Your weekly meetings should give a chance to resolve conflict and create unity, not stir up hard feelings. Make sure you come to the meeting ready and willing to work as a team.
• Remember that the goal is to get on the same page as your spouse. Figure out what page YOU are on before the meeting…come prepared.
• Begin or end the counsel with prayer and ask for God’s help and guidance.

What to talk about at a marriage meeting??

*Postive Vibes:

It is a good idea to start off your marriage meeting on a positive note. Give your partner some positive feedback. For example, if you noticed your husband washed your car for you, acknowledge his service. Or if he helped to wash the dishes, brought you a milkshake, cleaned up the puke from kid 2 in the middle of the night, send out some positive affirmation that you saw it and appreciated it. If he had to work extra-long work hours or pick up an extra shift, thank him for working so hard for the family. Or if he just looked crazy hot one day, let him know. You can really share anything that you thought went well during the week. For example, “it was fun when our family cheered at kid 1’s baseball game this week, let’s all go to the games together more often”. Remember that this goes both ways though…so you should EACH come prepared with some positive feedback.

Imagine your marriage is like a potty training toddler and the praise for good behavior is like the skittle they receive for going potty on the toilet. It is rewarding good behavior. And what happens the NEXT time the toddler needs to go potty?? It is more likely he/she will use the toilet and get another skittle. And hopefully, the same principle will apply to helpful acts/good marriage behavior. By rewarding those good acts with praise, they are becoming validated. Until one day the skittle (or praise) is no longer necessary and the behavior is second nature.

I am THE WORST at thanking my hubby for things. I am so busy and in my own head so much, that I COMPLETELY forget to thank him, even if I notice that he has done something especially nice. Unfortunately, one of his love languages is words of affirmation. So when I do not openly acknowledge his good behavior, it REALLY hurts his feelings. I think taking this time to acknowledge him and what he does for our family is a great way to show that I DO notice and appreciate those acts, even if they slip by at the moment.

*Schedule:

This was a game-changer for us, even after just one marriage meeting. Life is crazy…TRULY busy and stressful and chaotic a lot of the time. Taking time to go over the weekly events and plan ahead can make it feel SOOO much less overwhelming. By preparing TOGETHER for the upcoming week, we are able to divide and conquer. For example, this week I had youth group at the same time I was scheduled to have an orientation for my new puppy’s behavior classes. Because Todd and I met ahead of time, we were able to figure out that I could go to youth group with kid 1 and Toddy Toddster could take kid 2 and go to doggy training. In a normal week this would have been a problem that ONLY I stressed about on my own, figured out a solution to, and then told Todd what he was doing…which may have caused him to be resentful. But since we met together, worked out a plan TOGETHER, and then BOTH had a job, it was fine. I didn’t have to be the bossy scheduler and everything got done.

This is also a good time to plan for future events like birthday parties, vacations, appointments, date nights, etc. We set a goal to have date night 2 times a month (which is a BIG step up from the zero times a month we tend to go out normally) and so we looked at the calendar and decided when, figured out a tentative where, and assigned who was in charge. You could figure out when you need a sitter, what week works best for heading on a quick family getaway, or plan for an upcoming weekend away as a couple. I am a planner and a list maker, so if I put “research weekend trips” on my to-do list, it is going to get done. But if I just DREAM about places I want to go…that trip is NEVER going to get planned.

*Goals:

Todd and I are both very goal-oriented people, but we tend to set mostly individual personal goals and work on them separately. It was fun to sit down and figure out some goals for our family and our relationship. There are so many goals that couples can work towards; debt payoff, running a marathon, cleaning the garage, finishing a DIY project, saving for Disneyland, getting a dog, saving for a new car, collecting food storage, making the bed, whatever it is that you want to get done. I can accomplish a goal on my own, but with my husband helping, I can CRUSH it. He is great at keeping me accountable, thinking outside the box, pushing me to go farther, and helping me to work on goals I didn’t even know I had. I would NOT be a small business owner if it wasn’t for my hubby and his entrepreneurial spirit.

*Money Matters:

Money Money Money!! It can be such a hot button topic. But if we can talk about it all ahead of time…BEFORE things get too out of hand…it should eliminate some of the stress that can be caused by finances. If you and your partner have not worked to create a budget, start there. You can track your spending to see where your money is going and discuss how to cut back in certain areas. It is nice when BOTH of you see exactly where you are spending your hard-earned money. If you already have a good handle on your budget, maybe discuss a savings goal, or create a sinking fund for something you want. How fun would it be to start a sinking fund for a trip/date/car/whatever you are looking forward to, work together to fill your sinking fund, and then plan the actual purchase?

This is also a great time to discuss big upcoming expenses like medical bills, taxes due, dance recitals (how do those tutus cost so much?), sports camps, really anything out of the norm. It is NEVER good when only ONE partner is in the loop. And speaking of ONE partner, now is the time to air those financial grievances. Did your spouse spend money this week on something you thought was silly?? Discuss it. Do you think your partner spends too much eating out for lunch??? Discuss it. Air those silly grievances and get those hard feelings off your chest.

Or if you are boring like me and Toddy, you can talk about retirement, future investments, and business plans. Everybody’s financial situation is so different, so discuss what is most important in YOUR circumstances. Also, you know how much I love a good budget. AND if you don’t, you can check out my post HERE, and HERE, and over HERE to find out some great budgeting tips and tricks.

*Worries and Concerns:

What is causing stress in your family this week?? Whether it be work, family, in-laws, friends, neighbors, pets, kids, coaches…you name it. Is kid 1 going through something that needs to be discussed?? Is kid 2 failing Algebra?? Share those concerns and work together to come up with a solution. What can you do as a couple to make the next week run as smoothly as possible for you (both of you)?? This was a great area for me this week because I tend to think that I am the ONLY one who has the answers to my kiddos problems. But as Todd and I discussed one of our children who is struggling a bit in school, we both had VERY different ideas on what would help the most. And by combining those ideas together, we were able to construct a plan that was MUCH better than what I was coming up with on my own. Do you know that saying… TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE?? I hate to admit it, but I think they might be right…although I may never say that out loud again!!

*Let it OUT:

Ok. This is the part where you can get everything off your chest. Clear the air about anything and everything that was frustrating to you this week about your partner, your house, your job, your life. Talk it out. Has it been annoying you that your husband hasn’t been taking out the trash…even though it is HIS responsibility (I am not gonna lie, that is MY frustration almost EVERY week)? Tell him. Are you still mad from Thanksgiving when your Father-in-law made fun of the pie you brought and your spouse laughed?? Let that stuff go.

Disclaimer: Remember that this is a meeting and not an argument. You have both come together to make your marriage stronger, so state your grievance, work through it together, and then move on. That disclaimer is for ME btw…I have a FREAKISH memory and could pull up something my sweet hubby did 12 years ago that made me angry…I could even work myself up into an impressive tissy again if I really put my mind to it. BUT that is not what this time is about. Get those hard feelings out of your head and your heart and then discuss how to do better in the future.

It kind of seems counterproductive to keep the “bad” stuff for the end, but there is a good reason for it. After working together during the meeting through ALL of the other topics, the small issues you were angry about might have disappeared. For example, if you start the meeting thinking about how your partner left his dirty socks on the floor EVERY day that week and you are ACTUALLY plotting an entire revenge plan in your head…and have even considered throwing EVERY pair of socks he owns into the trash…but then you would just have to take the trash out because he NEVER remembers to do it…so you just keep thinking about those dirty socks and now the garbage and now that time while planning your wedding when he said your hair looked a little poofy. Ugh!! Now imagine that before debating the sock issue your partner tells you how great you looked at church on Sunday and how good your lasagna was. Then you worked together to set a goal to save up for a romantic getaway weekend to a fancy b&b at the beach and planned a date night for the upcoming weekend. THEN you have a heart to heart about your children and their needs and create a plan to help your family through a tough time. After discussing, planning, dreaming, and sharing, you will be LESS likely to go off the handle about a few pairs of socks. Most likely you can bring it up, briefly talk about how it frustrates you, and move on now.

I am soooo excited to get this year going on the right foot. I wanted to have these questions right in front of me during our meetings so that we could both see what was on the agenda and also so that it didn’t just seem like I was the “MEETING BOSS”. I printed a copy of my Free Printable Marriage Meeting handout to keep in my planner so that I can just open up to the questions and also have my calendar ready to go. I am so ready to take 2020 by storm and crush my resolutions this year. Time for better communication in 2020…who is gonna join me??? Let’s chat soon. JESS

****And just to be clear, I am just a mom and wife who is trying to follow the counsel given by my church leaders, improve the communication in my marriage, strengthen my family, and help others. I am not a therapist or in ANY way qualified to give ANY advice on YOUR marriage. These are just ideas that I RESEARCHED, PRACTICED, TWEAKED, and IMPLEMENTED into MY marriage. If THIS is not a good fit for you, find something that is and run with it.

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